Bring on the Warmth

I’m grateful for warmth!

This past Sunday night, I decided to hike over the 4 avenues to a friend’s apartment sometime after 9pm. The offer was extended with love, but I very hesitantly agreed to the walk, because it was quite cold and quiet around the NYC neighborhood in which I live. Layering up, I grabbed my red sweatshirt off the top of my hamper. First of all, it’s from the clothing swap we did in the fall. In ‘getting’ this great sweatshirt, I ‘gave up’ shoes and clothing galore, the majority of which went to a great local charity called Housing Works. Second of all, I’d put it there not because it was dirty, as much as because I didn’t want to hang it up. So it was a pleasant surprise when this red hoodie was wonderfully warm, thanks to the radiator it had been resting near. And, on my cross town trek, I thought about the other things that had made me warm throughout the day: Brunch with Aimee at the Mud Stop where the mint tea and mimosas included for my $13 fistful were deliciously warming. As was the conversation, and the welcome face she had when I lost my sense of direction and showed up 20 minutes late!
Then, I reflected on volunteer day for Limmud NY as all the final details come together for a conference I’ve been working on for countless hours. Full of wonderfully talented, enthusiastic, and dedicated people, many of them first time volunteers, and witnessing everything being put in order - magnificent! (Though, for talent's sake, you can see mine isn't in art - my Check in sign was mediocre at best!)
Back in reality, I’d already made it two avenues, and was still pretty warm. Ok, I’m a California girl. Maybe I was losing a bit of feeling in my extremities, but bearable. I realized it was likely a result of “warm soup belly” which I enjoyed at my favorite Union Square haunt along with more wonderful conversation with a friend who had also attended volunteer day. Finally, it occurred to me, I couldn’t believe I was even thinking about being cold, when we’d run across so many “pantsless” subway riders that evening in union square. The smile across my face returns now, and just erupted then, thinking about “those crazy kids” and folks who act like kids ... who participated in the near-naked public displays thanks ImprovEverywhere - you’ve got gumption, which is especially impressive on such a freezing day. Of course there was also getting a chance to finally check my weekend mail when I got home. (Hey, I've been off accomplishing it all, I've been quite busy!) In my mailbox, I found the most extraordinary thank you card from a most extraordinary friend. I'm coming to believe that one person's gratitude only helps cultivate gratitude in others. Appreciation is never underrated.

When I arrived at my destination, and we caught up about the last few weeks, work, writing, volunteering, planning details of my upcoming vacation, it occurred to me how lucky I am that it just takes a few steps from my apartment to an amazingly wonderful city filled with good friends, good food, and so many fun opportunities. I have cultivated a family of friends who remind me quite often what I have to be grateful for. But mostly, on that walk home, it was the red sweatshirt.

My Attitude of Gratitude: Cultivated in 2010

I’m not the kind of woman who seeks mentors. I have found a rare few in my life, a professor who I worked for in college and graduate school, a colleague or two. But typically, I’m a fiercely independent person. That’s why, in reflecting on what I’m so grateful for this past year, I’m surprised to say that the first thing that pops into my head after health, is one Sissy Block. A wonderful friend, I am feeling particularly grateful to her because she made me a generous offer this year. She suggested we become “writing partners” - she is the person with whom I meet weekly or bi-monthly to sit beside as we write our respective creative projects. Both are books. Very different, very fictionalized, but both very personal. Having someone beside you while you pour your guts onto a page (or computer screen) is unbelievably validating. What sometimes felt self indulgent now feels powerful, significant, important, occasionally even urgent.

Our “writing dates,” as I call them, alternate neighborhoods for convenience and optimal wifi (though it’s not on the whole time we write! Focus is key). Most days we get over the loud study group or bad date nearby. In fact, if it’s a bad date I usually use it for material for the book I’m working on. Showing up for a writing date is like a planned coffee with a best friend. If you’ve ever had the type of friend who you could pick up with whether it had been one week or one year, that’s the feeling I get when I walk into a room to write with Sissy. She and I don’t need to catch up, the book and I do, and because Sissy’s there, I can pick up exactly where I left off.

When I’m sick, but we meet anyway, I find that I actually do my best writing. My most insecure thoughts, my most off-limit topics, suddenly become easier to deal with than my stomach ache … and I just write - no holds barred. Some really beautiful things come from those moments.

When we take a break from writing to catch up on our personal lives, after all, Sissy and I know each other from volunteering together and get along quite nicely on our own, Sissy reminds me to “write it” to “use it” because it’s here, it’s real. “It” has become better and better thanks to her encouragement. The gratitude we have for one another, for the forward momentum we create by being together in our creative efforts is palpable most days.

Sometimes we laugh out loud at our writing. We share exciting moments of character development. Her project is farther along than mine - and I know that she’ll come to me one day and say she doesn’t need to meet any more... but having her beside me as I’ve taken my first steps on this journey of writing my first novel makes me feel like I’ve taken strides where I would have taken baby steps, and for that I am forever grateful.

Sissy Block and I both have full time jobs working within Jewish academia. We are both active volunteers for Limmud NY. In fact, we met at Limmud NY. You never know where you will be when someone wonderful impacts your life. I’m just lucky we found one another!

My 30 before 30

Here’s the bottom line – I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve been dedicated to writing a piece for publication. Ok, by piece I mean book, and between that, volunteering for four organizations (shoutouts to Limmud NY, Keren Or, Columbia Hillel Young Alumni Advisory Committee, and Kehilat Hadar), working full time, and maintaining some semblance of a social life I haven’t had time to toot my own over-achieving horn. Not because I haven’t had toot worthy experiences. I promise you, I’ve had them! I just haven’t had time to keep them on record.

So, I’m six months from thirty and inspired by my friend PrettyGreenGirl (Who now has a 30 while 30 list) to embrace the 30 before 30 … I’ve accomplished a lot lately, but I thought of some things I’ve never done, and here are mine:

1. Finish the first draft of my first book (Self imposed deadline: 30^th birthday)
2. Plan and take a trip to a continent I haven’t been to (Options: South America, Asia, or Africa) 1/26/11 Ok, many of my friends took me down memory lane and reminded me that Israel is in Asia, but I meant more proper, and I've been to Africa because, well, hello, Egypt is in Africa ... so I'm officially getting too old to remember where I was 11 years ago or I'm geographically challenged. Or, the fact I'm accomplishing this only by way of going to Israel in a few weeks means we'll have to compromise ... been to 'recently.' (which fits with #25)
   
3. See a natural wonder I haven’t yet seen
4. Photograph the perfect sunset
5. Find an extremely fulfilling opportunity to build community (see 4 organizations I volunteer for above … but I have a new one as of 11/10 too!)
6. Start writing down the etiquette lessons I preach to friends (Oh, and practice what I preach)
7. Make life more like the chocolate show
8. Find the perfect “at home” facial
9. Eat something that sparkles. 11/10/10 Work event included a dessert basket from Josh's place. Their mini rice crispy treats were not only delicious, but sparkled. That took no time at all!
   
10. Find the perfect pair of jeans
11. I have mad sewing skills – find time to use them on the bag of clothing that needs repair.
12. Ritualize dumpling night. 12/17/10 For the third "christmas" in a row, a meal where the dumplings are the star! I'll add more variations, but posted one recipe for spicy peanut chicken pot-stickers a while back. They are divine. This is a chanukah/december/christmas holiday tradition that will last forever.
    
13. Find a way to keep better track of the remote control
14. New Mantra: Farmers’ markets are great – other markets are supplements. No over-stuffing the fridge. Just because it looks good in the store doesn’t mean I have the time to cook it.
15. Try Bikram Yoga
16. ‘Discover’ a waterfall and spend the day picnicking and lounging beside it.
17. Have tea time at the Plaza (in general find an excuse to return to the oak room. What a good meal)
18. Walk the Brooklyn bridge (despite the cliché)
19. Have dinner at the four seasons –because my mother is still talking about her dinner there 35 years later.
20. Make a necklace with the beads collected from trips to DC’s store, Bedazzled.
21. Find NYC’s version of Teaism. Frequent it. Often.
22. Try five new foods!
23. Gamble more than $20 (preferably in AC or LV … go for it!)
24. Broadway : See Wicked on Broadway B. Decide to go to a show last minute (La Cage aux Folles, Life in the Theater)
25. Register for a class at Columbia University (ok, so it won’t be the first time, but it’ll be the first time in +5 years)
26. Check out “first Saturdays” at the Brooklyn Museum
    
27. Ice skate in Bryant park (I had hot chocolate there once, but had hurt my ankle and couldn't skate) 1/1/11 - My friend Andy has his own skates in the city and heads there at every chance he gets, so late at night after 'recovery brunch' and recovery nap we headed down there and he kept me distracted while we waited on the very long line... once I got on the ice I remembered how much I loved skating growing up... ahh, Parkwood... I just want to head out to my parent's place and pick up my skates and never get off the ice...
    
28. See a performance at Joe’s Pub
29. Stroll through the gardens at Wave Hill
30. Walk across the park for free Saturday at the Jewish Museum

Apocolyptic News ..

Whether or not you've been bitten by the Twitter bug, my take on this media tool is mixed. Lately, more than anything else, this steam serves to remind me why I wasn't watching the TV news in the first place. I joined this particular variant strain of social and educational media for the great discounts it gave me access to. Once registered, I found even more bits of value in it. Thanks to twitter I know what's going on in the world without skimming news websites for headlines. If it's important, a news agency will send it right to me, without clogging my inbox, then I can decide to read further or not. I need to keep current on a lot of newsworthy topics for work, so what a convenient way to do so.

Besides, how dreadful could the news get if it's condensed to 140 characters?

Pretty damn dreadful.

Since the start of 2010, I've learned about natural disasters hitting the globe: earthquakes, avalanches, a terrible heatwave, a tsunami. Just today in Haiti an earthquake that has warranted another tsunami warning. Beyond the planet doing as it does, it is always painful to see reports of people inflicting pain on one another. 2010 has already brought it hard. In the form of bombs (hitting military bases, tourist sites, transit, religious institutions, and private homes), shootings, road rage, theft, sexual abuse and kidnapping. I've read about war and the threat of it, and the death of soldiers that inherently comes with military incursions and just having bases in other countries. The word "terror" or "terrorist" keeps reappearing in the feed. Hostage situations. Huge layoffs, the remnants of a country's floundering economic infrastructure. That's a lot of demolition for one optimist to handle.

Plus there are the unexplained. A 30 year old dying of 'natural' causes. Government's inability to consider gay marriage equal to heterosexual marriage. The news items that hurt my heart.

Don't get me wrong, there are the human interest headlines too, and I subscribe to zagat and others that sprinkle happiness into this stream of dismal. Or I'll come across a piece that is community service or social justice oriented, or highlights eco-friendly practices. It makes me remember that something is right with this world. Somewhere things are in place.

Despite the occasional story of valor, heroism or worth, I can't just let go of the concern raised by the countless disasters that I learn of. At best, I am drawn toward prayer - for peace, for serenity, for an understanding that will help me return to that sense of gratitude I have every night I go to bed, and every day I wake up.

This spring I will have the opportunity to get to know a few journalists closely. I wonder what I should ask them about what it means for them to be in the trenches with the kinds of events that make me realize the world is a little bit crazy. I also can't help but question what is the value of much of this news? In what ways does knowing about all this dread; crimes, dysfunction, terror help me live a better life?

I can't help but wonder. And exhale. And realize that in order to accomplish it all, I may not need to know it all.

Flying High

I don't know if this is a common sentiment, but I am most grateful for the things I don't understand... like flying safely - or really, flying at all.

I love to travel. Which you'd expect from someone who prides themselves on seeing, doing, tasting and experiencing all that life has to offer. I think it's pretty hunky dory that in Judaism, there's a prayer for distance travel (no matter the means - the point is if you're going from the 'gates' of one city to another) and even more than all of that, I love that I'm privileged enough to be able to carry this prayer with me as part of my travel. It's called the prayer of (being on) the path. Tefilat Haderech. It thanks God for protecting and keeping us, and our wares safe.

In particular, I realized how important this prayer was when I recently flew to Ottawa, Canada for the wedding of two close friends (another story of blessings, which I will share soon). I packed items for the wedding celebration that included "poppers." You know, those new year's items that spew confetti. They're marked flammable and probably contain a small amount of some explosive or other...

Why it didn't occur to me this might not be good a good item to transport in my luggage until mid-flight is beyond me, but luckily my over-active imagination is all that got charged in transit. My wares, along with me, arrived safely and just in time for a wonderful, unforgettable wedding weekend.

So, knowing that I made it through customs and security just fine, my moment of zen is pictured above. I was flying in a small plane and sat in seat 12 a which overlooked the propellers and the landing gear. I didn't know I was holding my breath in our descent until I saw the landing gear come down.

I guess we don't always realize what takes our breath away or what keeps it away until it comes back. In yoga and reiki there is a lot of talk of acknowledging where we are holding. Of the importance breath. Of awareness. It has been a few months since I thought about all three of those things in one idea, but certainly seeing the sun in alignment with the plane wheel as we pulled into the (Toronto - stop over) airport helped bring me that clarity.

I will share more about Ottawa in an upcoming post, the great accommodations and more importantly the two weddings which kicked off November. Just wanted to share my moment of gratitude and the gorgeous shot I captured as we went from being in flight to being grounded, air to earth, safely, soundly and in one piece.

Best Question of the Week: "How is your Heart?"

If a doctor had asked the question, I would be in a gown, spouting my symptoms from rise to sleep. But I'm 28. I go to the doctor for unexplained symptoms, stomach problems, and most recently, an ear infection. We haven't discussed my heart beyond Cheerios. That is, how to keep my cholesterol in check in order to keep me heart-healthy.

Instead, the question came from a Rabbi. Well, a mentor, confidant, and friend, who is a Rabbi, teacher and a spiritual guide. He asked, "How is your heart?" and the completely honest answer is "... still not quite ready." The answer I wanted to give, the place I want to be is someplace still far off. Though not as far as when he and I sat down just over a year ago for coffee. I'm closer to that answer I want to give - "My heart is open and available, it is ready, it is healed, it is waiting ..." So the answer I gave continued, and I'd like partial credit for it. "I'm working on it... I'm learning ... I'm still having difficulty opening it to the right person..." many disjointed thoughts. Much reason for pause.

Since the season for renewal hit (some people call it fall, I call it the high holidays), I can tell you that I have been hyper-aware of my heart. I know it is still so tightly wrapped, protected. I keep trying to open up, and I know I do it only slightly, and rarely. Usually to "safe" people. That's been going on nearly eight years this December. People who can't possibly stay in my life long, or people who have been here forever. I can't manage the in between.

If I imagine my heart - right now - it is as a diver. Certainly not Olympic grade - probably not even competitive. A leisurely diver, toes over the board wavering about whether to take the plunge. I think a year ago, when I met with this friend my heart and I were on a high board - hardly able to see the pool below. Now, I can smell it, see it - I'm resting on this regular diving board - but I don't know what the temperature will be and I know I'm scared to just dive in. I want it to be graceful, I want it to garner applause. This is when I hate the perfectionist in me. I can be an amateur in love. Isn't everyone at first? I have to remind myself, I'm the only one watching and I need to get past the fear to recognize the fun. It's really going to be worthwhile. And if I fail somehow, I can get back out and dive again.

But diving isn't a sport I know. I'm not confident here - and I am typically a fountain of confidence. I've gotten back on a horse who has thrown me into a fence. I am stubborn and strong just like the animal who spooked and reared and couldn't wait to be rid of me. If I can have faith that the horse will be there for me, why can I not have the same trust in man? The universe has a way of working things out. Trust it. Sit with it.

I'm ready to dive. I'm ready to ride. I'm ready to see what all this hype is about.

Now, if only my words could be as effective as action.

Finding Perfection: Sukkah hopping around NY

Sukkot, which occurs each fall, is a week when traditionally, Jews eat (and live!) in the out of doors. In Israel the air is crisp and the fruit harvest is coming to an end. In New York, it’s cold, usually rainy and the wind nips at you. Luckily we have space heaters and layers and warm soup.

This “nature” experience is tempered, of course, by the lovely huts (called sukkot) we build to recall ananei cavod, the clouds of Glory, which were a sign that God was following us in the desert during the Exodus from Egypt. In the past I have spent my sukkot in two or three different structures and usually enjoy them, a bit.

This year, I had meals in 7 different sukkot, each of them unique. I was hoping to come up with a rating system, but each one felt so special that only the few words of Torah given Saturday morning suffice. A rabbi asks, “How many walls are mandatory in a sukkah?” the answer is “two and some” or two and “ehh” as I shouted out. “Why?” the Rabbi asks. Dead Silence. “Because when you put your arm around someone to hug them, your arm makes an angle and you’ve got two and an ‘eh’ angles. God hugs us when we are inside the sukkah.

Thanks God. I thought I liked being in your glory, but I’m sure I like being in your arms. I tend to find personifying God distasteful, but if You want me to build a structure to symbolize a hug, then I’m happy to sit inside of it and feel loved. If I were waxing poetic I might even call the image beautiful. While some buildings had just the required walls and others had four, mostly it was the company in them that made me feel full on embraced.

Anyway, I resort to the questions children ask on Passover –How is this year different from all others? I usually say almost all my blessings in a synagogue sukkah. Not this year. Though having one meal in the smaller of two sukkot at a local synagogue found us the only guests there – which made the one synagogue sukkah experience I had seem just like it was in my own backyard! But of course, my parents’ backyard is already filled with a sukkah, and I spent Monday night out at their house and in their hut with them. Mom made chicken soup per my request with WHOLE WHEAT matzoh balls and some of the best roasted chicken I’ve encountered. It was a joy to see my parents and to join them in their sukkah – to bench lulav with my dad and take the etrog from my great grandparents etrog box. The etrog is too big now. We get better produce than 80 years ago it seems… even in the business of the etrog! My parents and I took some time for Torah too. Rambam and the beleaguered, orphans and widows and that even when times are tough, we are fortunate to have a home to go to and a hut to eat in! Also cute, the following night when my parents had a synagogue board meeting, they loaned it out to our neighbors. So friendly!

Friends (new and old): Two UWSers hosted holiday meals in their personal sukkot … despite impending rain on both meals, they were LOVELY. One had a fish pond right beside the sukkah. Talk about a glorious connection to nature! The other I returned to during the week for s’mores in the sukkah. A firepit right outside of the sukkah kept us all happy and warm… and the beer and marshmallows did a good job too! Those were moving moments. There is something especially tremendous sitting amongst so many friends in a family feeling, small intimate sukkah built by hand.

So, given that I get so excited about these more intimate experiences, what should have been the farthest from my personal sukkah, one at the Jewish Theological Seminary, is actually the nearest to my heart. Not only because I am an alumna and it was a home to many college meals, but also because of the little plaque very few people probably notice. The sukkah is endowed by my darling ‘family’ Frances and Buddy Brandt. Their granddaughter is like a sister to me (having been my roommate for three years) and the sukkah is in the memory of her brother Oren. This was my most recent sukkah experience and to participate in something l’zecher Oren (in the memory of Oren) added so much more meaning to what has become a pretty common experience. I say these blessings in Oren's memory because he liked to build so much everyone thought he'd become an architect. Also, Oren definitely had the type of relationship with God where they were in a strong embrace. Always. So I sat last night hugging Oren’s memory, and also hugging his sister and his grandparents. I hope we were being hugged by God as well. Because in those moments is where God should be. And I returned today to bless some more. The beauty of a sukkah is often times in the people you share it with. Tonight I’m off to a celebration of volunteers for Limmud NY. And then, outside of the sukkah I will go celebrate another wonderful soul who is headed to Thailand to work on human rights and change the world for the better.

I live a blessed life… and this holiday season has reminded me of that tenfold.