My Attitude of Gratitude: Cultivated in 2010

I’m not the kind of woman who seeks mentors. I have found a rare few in my life, a professor who I worked for in college and graduate school, a colleague or two. But typically, I’m a fiercely independent person. That’s why, in reflecting on what I’m so grateful for this past year, I’m surprised to say that the first thing that pops into my head after health, is one Sissy Block. A wonderful friend, I am feeling particularly grateful to her because she made me a generous offer this year. She suggested we become “writing partners” - she is the person with whom I meet weekly or bi-monthly to sit beside as we write our respective creative projects. Both are books. Very different, very fictionalized, but both very personal. Having someone beside you while you pour your guts onto a page (or computer screen) is unbelievably validating. What sometimes felt self indulgent now feels powerful, significant, important, occasionally even urgent.

Our “writing dates,” as I call them, alternate neighborhoods for convenience and optimal wifi (though it’s not on the whole time we write! Focus is key). Most days we get over the loud study group or bad date nearby. In fact, if it’s a bad date I usually use it for material for the book I’m working on. Showing up for a writing date is like a planned coffee with a best friend. If you’ve ever had the type of friend who you could pick up with whether it had been one week or one year, that’s the feeling I get when I walk into a room to write with Sissy. She and I don’t need to catch up, the book and I do, and because Sissy’s there, I can pick up exactly where I left off.

When I’m sick, but we meet anyway, I find that I actually do my best writing. My most insecure thoughts, my most off-limit topics, suddenly become easier to deal with than my stomach ache … and I just write - no holds barred. Some really beautiful things come from those moments.

When we take a break from writing to catch up on our personal lives, after all, Sissy and I know each other from volunteering together and get along quite nicely on our own, Sissy reminds me to “write it” to “use it” because it’s here, it’s real. “It” has become better and better thanks to her encouragement. The gratitude we have for one another, for the forward momentum we create by being together in our creative efforts is palpable most days.

Sometimes we laugh out loud at our writing. We share exciting moments of character development. Her project is farther along than mine - and I know that she’ll come to me one day and say she doesn’t need to meet any more... but having her beside me as I’ve taken my first steps on this journey of writing my first novel makes me feel like I’ve taken strides where I would have taken baby steps, and for that I am forever grateful.

Sissy Block and I both have full time jobs working within Jewish academia. We are both active volunteers for Limmud NY. In fact, we met at Limmud NY. You never know where you will be when someone wonderful impacts your life. I’m just lucky we found one another!

Best Question of the Week: "How is your Heart?"

If a doctor had asked the question, I would be in a gown, spouting my symptoms from rise to sleep. But I'm 28. I go to the doctor for unexplained symptoms, stomach problems, and most recently, an ear infection. We haven't discussed my heart beyond Cheerios. That is, how to keep my cholesterol in check in order to keep me heart-healthy.

Instead, the question came from a Rabbi. Well, a mentor, confidant, and friend, who is a Rabbi, teacher and a spiritual guide. He asked, "How is your heart?" and the completely honest answer is "... still not quite ready." The answer I wanted to give, the place I want to be is someplace still far off. Though not as far as when he and I sat down just over a year ago for coffee. I'm closer to that answer I want to give - "My heart is open and available, it is ready, it is healed, it is waiting ..." So the answer I gave continued, and I'd like partial credit for it. "I'm working on it... I'm learning ... I'm still having difficulty opening it to the right person..." many disjointed thoughts. Much reason for pause.

Since the season for renewal hit (some people call it fall, I call it the high holidays), I can tell you that I have been hyper-aware of my heart. I know it is still so tightly wrapped, protected. I keep trying to open up, and I know I do it only slightly, and rarely. Usually to "safe" people. That's been going on nearly eight years this December. People who can't possibly stay in my life long, or people who have been here forever. I can't manage the in between.

If I imagine my heart - right now - it is as a diver. Certainly not Olympic grade - probably not even competitive. A leisurely diver, toes over the board wavering about whether to take the plunge. I think a year ago, when I met with this friend my heart and I were on a high board - hardly able to see the pool below. Now, I can smell it, see it - I'm resting on this regular diving board - but I don't know what the temperature will be and I know I'm scared to just dive in. I want it to be graceful, I want it to garner applause. This is when I hate the perfectionist in me. I can be an amateur in love. Isn't everyone at first? I have to remind myself, I'm the only one watching and I need to get past the fear to recognize the fun. It's really going to be worthwhile. And if I fail somehow, I can get back out and dive again.

But diving isn't a sport I know. I'm not confident here - and I am typically a fountain of confidence. I've gotten back on a horse who has thrown me into a fence. I am stubborn and strong just like the animal who spooked and reared and couldn't wait to be rid of me. If I can have faith that the horse will be there for me, why can I not have the same trust in man? The universe has a way of working things out. Trust it. Sit with it.

I'm ready to dive. I'm ready to ride. I'm ready to see what all this hype is about.

Now, if only my words could be as effective as action.

Ooooooooobama? Puzzling Prizes

Talk about the "American Dream!" Here's one that's international - The Nobel Prize. I'd like mine in literature one day. I've written some outlines and drafts, so can I pre-order it now so that it's ready when I make it big? Seriously, I know some literary figures who actually campaigned for it. That taints it a bit. One of them even won.

Nevertheless, I was celebrating the Nobel Prizes that were announced earlier in the week because whenever a woman earns one, I rejoice. I really do love female role models, especially when they're in a field I wouldn't dream of entering.

Hence, Israeli woman Ada Yonath made me dance for joy in my office - she rocked the ribosome in her chemistry research and made major waves. She's 70. She split the prize with two men who did similar research. They are also similar in age. It seems to me, this has been their life's work, celebrated for it's contribution to society, particularly medicine - as it relates to how antibiotics work in our bodies.

Brilliant. I can even understand the work that she did. In science. That's a big deal for my liberal arts brain.

Building diplomacy. That's a liberal arts topic if I've ever heard one. It's subjective and involves historical analysis. It happens over high tea, around a bonfire (no not really, I just like the image - and Hawaii is home of the luau) it does not happen in eight months of presidency. That's right folks. President Barak Obama was sworn in in January. I know we like him a lot, I know there's a lot of potential, but in what way has he changed the world for the better? What peace are we experiencing with troops in Iraq, in Afghanistan and elsewhere?

A friend posted that he couldn't imagine something that would turn his "liberal-loving friends" against Obama would be this ... but I think the rationale escapes us, and the evidence is shoddy at best. Yes, kind of like that birth certificate...

Maybe someone just wanted to give him the prize money - and this category was the best way to do it?

Sorry for my cynicism, if anyone would like to enlighten me, I'm all ears. Also, I'm not anti-American for questioning this. I may be anti the Nobel committee though. I feel some shivers coming from graves.

An Invitation: The American Dream

We all want to find success - in pursuit of our passion, or in establishing financial freedom. We want to be high achievers in work, love, family, and education. Social media works so well because we all have egos. We want to shout our accomplishments from the rooftops. If that's the case, then yes, call this my rooftop. After all, I live in a city with limited roof access.

The "American dream," of social mobility has evolved and intertwined with our demand for instant gratification, and now it seems Americans (and we are not alone in this, of course) are enticed by a life of excess. Call it what you will, but it's more than consumerism, it's a culture of emulating the wrong culture makers. A drive to live like a star. Is the "American Dream" what drove this nation into debt? Has it become a little bit soulless? Perhaps. It may be time for a new American dream.

There's that environmental dream on the horizon. I heard it first in whispers when smog covered LA in the 80s. To some extent, I consider myself an environmentalist. But I don't want to forgo society for one cause. This isn't about a cause, it's about lifestyle choices. To that end, I've heard great speeches which leave me questioning if the massive portion of my paycheck spent on rent couldn't better be distributed to the hungry, the needy, the impoverished, ill and elderly in this community or elsewhere. But I worked for this paycheck, I earned it. Don't I deserve to enjoy the (organic) fruits of my labor? Or is that just an icky outcropping of entitlement?

In all of my professional pursuits, I work with and for organizations and institutions that change the world, whether it's by supporting families, educating our youth, researching environmental trends and solutions to poverty. There is no denying that I have chosen a profession which is part of the greater picture, and I am proud of what I do. I will always question what personal decisions I make... I just may not do it at the moment I'm trying on those glorious shoes at DSW.


Is it selfish of me to want the red heels or cashmere sweater? Is it worse for me to skimp and buy an item from a company that probably employed underage and overworked children? What can I do to assuage this guilty conscience?

I am going to dedicate myself to accomplishing my own American dream. The one that includes a bevy of activities that make me happy. Those that I can both enjoy and create: food, art, social opportunities, Jewish learning & teaching, writing, yoga and those which I can pursue: friendship, love, perfect nights, new experiences, eco-consciousness, happiness, health, and that ever elusive sense of balance.

So I invite you to share in my experiences, accomplishments and challenges. It's bound to be an exciting trip.