Undo, not to, aka my "ignore" list

My ignore list is not about a Facebook feature ... although, today Facebook was on it.

My ignore list is the thing I create when I have a few urgent priorities... and don't want any distractions. Today, I had a short work day due to doctor's appointments and the like. I left my phone in my purse, I had a mini lunch of yogurt and low fat granola. Kept things short and sweet.

On my way to work I compiled what I wouldn't do today for the hours I was in my office: No errands on campus, no break for lunch, no facebook unless it's work related (usually, I take a FB break during lunch and, occasionally a really short one during my 3 o'clock slump/tea break etc). Sometimes I cut personal email too, today, I did.

It's a great way to focus and even relax a bit ... When I left the office, I had that momentary "where's my phone?" lapse, because I couldn't imagine leaving it in my bag for 6 hours.

When you're over committed, give yourself permission to disconnect from a number of things that distract you along the way. It will keep you organized, and especially if "to do" lists make you cringe for any reason, this is another approach to help you out!

Do you have organizational strategies that keep you focused on a tough day? Do you cringe at to-do lists? What's your organizational dilemma, at work or home?

On Knowing it All (PT II)

So, will I be walking away from facebook? I have no inclination to do that.

I've had a little while to consider this love affair I have with FB. Quite honestly, the life cycle news circuit doesn't bother me (yet), it's really kind of like a synagogue newsletter with personal flair. But I must admit that I've limited my facebook news feed - to the friends who are nearest and dearest, or at least those who lead the most interesting and intellectual lives publicly via the site. I don't take issue with life cycle events. I love getting that information. And, I'll put it politely as possible, it's not that I don't like you for having the free time to take 20 quizzes a day or share your laundry habits with me, it's that I don't want to resent you for it. So, often, I decide that I've just got to let your updates go buhbye... at least, until it's 2am and I can't fall asleep and hit the "63 hidden posts" feed. If you don't know how to hide posts or applications, it's a simple click of the little button as you scroll over the right side of your news feed. Now as new people "friend" you, you can choose whether to include them in your feed.

The truth is that having over 1,000 facebook friends means that at certain times of day I can't realistically scan all of the things that appear on my news feed. I post at those peak times too - the 7-8:45am, 12-2pm, 5-6pm rushes... I love you all for it. We're such good employees that we don't want to "play" on facebook while we should be working. There are studies about what a distraction it is, there are others saying it helps us focus... either way... good for you for working hard.

I find it especially enticing to "play" on facebook because it's right there on my phone. When I'm stuck on the bus or just waiting around, it passes the time. Here's also to admitting that I do like being connected and in the know about all of my friends. But now that summer has started and I have something calendared for every night of the week (more on all that in upcoming posts), I'm less likely to find myself with spare time. So here are the lurking questions - if I'm spending time playing a game online with a friend, why am I not taking that time to talk to him or her? When I play scrabble with someone in person, we jest, we interact. Getting a notification doesn't quite compare to those moments. I am left, still, questioning the value of facebook vs face time.

So, with that in mind, the steps I've taken thus far include a vigorous cleaning up my news feed. A while ago I made sure that none of my applications post to my news feed. You don't need to know about my addiction to mafia wars. I've thought about cleaning up who I share my own updates with too, but I'm not sure if that's more offensive than just living my life out loud. Larry raises a good point - I used the extreme examples because they are extremes. But when I'm finding the time to post a wall update but not make a personal call or write an email, am I breaking down relationships instead of building them?

What it is great for:

Advice! All you people are so knowledgeable! Whether I need a recipe STAT, consumer advice, computer freak outs, or a suggestion for great drinks, you all know where it's at and are happy to share. Thank you for being able to contribute to my awareness that google does not know it all.
Sharing (actual) news: I hardly need to read CNN, with 5 of my friends posting responses to news events and great articles like the "Gayby Boom" and I love that the NYT feed keeps me updated, if there are a few too many plane accidents and incidents for my liking.
Insights: Hey, I liked your AIM away messages once upon a time, inspired or inspiring, share it with me
Making contact: I've lived many places in my life, participated in many different activities and meet new people all the time - what a great way to reunite. But ... Oh, I am so guilty of this it hurts. There are instances when taking it from FB to reality is a natural next step - I still haven't called a childhood friend to catch up. She asked me to do so months ago. (Now that I've admitted it, I plan to try her this afternoon.)
Travel: More than in the advice category of planning a trip. We move around a lot. I'm headed to DC this afternoon and used FB to check who's there. Better, after emailing a few friends to let them know, I not only had restuarant suggestions and plans, but multiple offers for a place to stay. You guys are godsends. I'm also hosting up a storm this summer of passers-thru NYC. It's just great for us all to be so connected.

Despite all of that, I will still question your "last minute tickets" posts, because I hope that you called/emailed your core friends/family/colleagues first to offer them those hot spots next to you. I will wonder how you find the time to take twenty quizzes when the best books you read were 10 years ago in college. I do it to myself, so I'll do it to you. I'm also almost likely to be entertained if the quiz is really pertinent - which Ivy are you, which 80s toy - gosh that's cute.

I also want to address the extremes one last time. I have the utmost respect for my friends who managed to make the list of phone calls and share the news with me personally before their engagements hit the internet. These women know who they are. I couldn't be happier or prouder to have received these calls, because it connotes a certain tone of intimacy that many of us are just losing in our relationships. I was also asked in certain of these instances to keep the buzz of excitement off the internet for a while. Props to you all for remembering how to communicate with the world. Similar props to the email birth announcement, so great to see a picture of your daughter in my inbox only hours after she was born.

I must admit, that sometimes I hide behind facebook (or emails) to avoid using my words. I am not sure that I have ever done it with the intention to hurt any more than I have made the decision not to invite someone to a party or a meal with the best of all possible intentions - to surround myself with the people who I love most, who support me most, and to whom I would give the utmost support. So, if in the process you're entertained knowing about my ventures or reactions, I'll try to keep those breif posts upbeat and avoid the mundane that will have you hiding me from your own news feed.
Are you considering treating facebook differently? I didn't even consider work ramifications, networking or resourcing friends for more than travel. What changes have you made or might you?

On Knowing it All: Information Overload & Pride

Run with me for a bit down memory lane ... I'll tie it in with our technology obsession ... especially those glorious social networking sites sitting there, glowing, calling out to you.

There is one college memory I particularly relish. I was sitting next to one of my gay friends as he was struggling with the details of coming out. (You know, if you've been through this yourself or with a friend. The same questions arise as those of a reporter's mantra, the who, what, when, where, & how.) We were amidst a kick-off lunch to start the semester and he didn't recognize many of our classmates. I insisted I could not only tell him their names, but each of their sexual statuses with about 90% accuracy. I knew who was still holding onto the V-card, who was in what type of relationship, who had gotten some but wouldn't get close again without a major gift in a little blue box ... and the like.

By the way, while I could provide that information, I didn't, save for the most public cases, so don't go getting huffy on me for being a gossip. I went through the check list in my mind - without revealing the sordid (or pristine!) details of their lives ... but I knew them. He was shocked. I knew most of the information first hand, but why? Is that desire to share it all just ego? Why did I know the person next to me was gay, but he had convinced his closest college friends he was bisexual? What put me in the center of everyone's love life? I was in the loop, sure. More often, though, I was a trusted confidant. One freshman guy I would hardly have called a friend came to me and said, "the girl I'm dating now doesn't want to sleep with me, which is fine, but I slept with someone in high school and kind of miss that." "Oh?" (never insert your own opinion here, there's always more revealed the less you talk.) "I don't want to pressure her, so I don't want to tell her that I've had sex before ..." I must admit, I was baffled that he was sharing this with me. I think I was just a convenient sounding board. I don't think the conversation came to a particular conclusion, but there I was listening to it. 4 years later, when I'd heard she had come out of the closet, it all made sense. Of course, a straight 19 year old girl could just as easily not be ready, but there I am, passing judgment.

I am pushing my agenda a bit, running two themes here which happen to be in parallel. But the overlap of the information conduit and sexuality have me fascinated because I think that sexuality is one of the most personal bits of information we can possibly share. Yet, Logan Levfkoff, a sexologist I worked with last year put it best when she pointed out "whether people are 15 or 55, it’s a good bet they’re not going to tell the truth about their sex life." So did everything I "knew" about my college peers turn out to be true? I'm sure not... after all, I kept some of my own forays secret, and I'm sure others who had something to prove used words instead of actions.

In that spirit, there have been about 5 coming out stories I'm aware of since I graduated, at least one of which happened on friendster.

Is that the reason we love keeping up with our friends through social media? Not just to satisfy the voyeur in us with others' jaunts and drama, of course, but so that we feel more connected to others' lifecycle events? So we're not embarrassed when we are surprised by someone who recounts the engagements, marriages, children etc. of shared connections you once had?

How do you feel about social media as a tool for making your private life semi-public? For instance, sharing wedding albums, or even simpler, party albums? Most of us do it naturally. But does sharing your joy create unnecessary hurt? (Have you ever seen an album or event and wondered why you weren't invited? If you were thought about at all ... as an former best friend, lover, roommate, Greek brother or sister, etc.) There's a principle in Judaism that even sharing someone's good news is gossip - I've always said this about a marriage announcement. You don't know who was once in love with the soon to be bride or groom, or how much hurt just hearing that name can bring a scorned lover. If that sounds a little wild, think about how much hurt it is for a couple who cannot conceive to hear about all of the births and adoptions taking place in their high school class. It might be one thing to hear about each instance one at a time, but from one reporter, it can exacerbate the pain.

If this were to take place in a conversation, I would advise you to just walk away. But what about when it happens on your computer screen? I think its soo cute that at least 6 of my friends had children in the past month, but if I was trying to get pregnant, I might feel differently. Like when the term “facebook mommies” popped up in someone's status ... eep. But isn’t it great to have a social network you can simply ask a question of? “Need a new camera?

So, will I be walking away from facebook? Will you?


While I have no inclination to do that, how I handle FB has changed. I will share why and how in a post later this week. I must admit, I need a little time to reflect on the ways in which I may be guilty of inflicting emotional harm through the site... and consider what I could or should do differently, if anything at all. I don’t have a simple wrap up for this one. Just to mention that I was so focused on the topic of PRIDE because of the pride parade this past weekend. While I spent the day with my family celebrating my parents' anniversary and my dad's birthday, there is nothing like NYC – so I’ve included a picture from the subway later that day … and a request - please, opine away!