There is one college memory I particularly relish. I was sitting next to one of my gay friends as he was struggling with the details of coming out. (You know, if you've been through this yourself or with a friend. The same questions arise as those of a reporter's mantra, the who, what, when, where, & how.) We were amidst a kick-off lunch to start the semester and he didn't recognize many of our classmates. I insisted I could not only tell him their names, but each of their sexual statuses with about 90% accuracy. I knew who was still holding onto the V-card, who was in what type of relationship, who had gotten some but wouldn't get close again without a major gift in a little blue box ... and the like.
By the way, while I could provide that information, I didn't, save for the most public cases, so don't go getting huffy on me for being a gossip. I went through the check list in my mind - without revealing the sordid (or pristine!) details of their lives ... but I knew them. He was shocked. I knew most of the information first hand, but why? Is that desire to share it all just ego? Why did I know the person next to me was gay, but he had convinced his closest college friends he was bisexual? What put me in the center of everyone's love life? I was in the loop, sure. More often, though, I was a trusted confidant. One freshman guy I would hardly have called a friend came to me and said, "the girl I'm dating now doesn't want to sleep with me, which is fine, but I slept with someone in high school and kind of miss that." "Oh?" (never insert your own opinion here, there's always more revealed the less you talk.) "I don't want to pressure her, so I don't want to tell her that I've had sex before ..." I must admit, I was baffled that he was sharing this with me. I think I was just a convenient sounding board. I don't think the conversation came to a particular conclusion, but there I was listening to it. 4 years later, when I'd heard she had come out of the closet, it all made sense. Of course, a straight 19 year old girl could just as easily not be ready, but there I am, passing judgment.
I am pushing my agenda a bit, running two themes here which happen to be in parallel. But the overlap of the information conduit and sexuality have me fascinated because I think that sexuality is one of the most personal bits of information we can possibly share. Yet, Logan Levfkoff, a sexologist I worked with last year put it best when she pointed out "whether people are 15 or 55, it’s a good bet they’re not going to tell the truth about their sex life." So did everything I "knew" about my college peers turn out to be true? I'm sure not... after all, I kept some of my own forays secret, and I'm sure others who had something to prove used words instead of actions.
In that spirit, there have been about 5 coming out stories I'm aware of since I graduated, at least one of which happened on friendster.
Is that the reason we love keeping up with our friends through social media? Not just to satisfy the voyeur in us with others' jaunts and drama, of course, but so that we feel more connected to others' lifecycle events? So we're not embarrassed when we are surprised by someone who recounts the engagements, marriages, children etc. of shared connections you once had?
How do you feel about social media as a tool for making your private life semi-public? For instance, sharing wedding albums, or even simpler, party albums? Most of us do it naturally. But does sharing your joy create unnecessary hurt? (Have you ever seen an album or event and wondered why you weren't invited? If you were thought about at all ... as an former best friend, lover, roommate, Greek brother or sister, etc.) There's a principle in Judaism that even sharing someone's good news is gossip - I've always said this about a marriage announcement. You don't know who was once in love with the soon to be bride or groom, or how much hurt just hearing that name can bring a scorned lover. If that sounds a little wild, think about how much hurt it is for a couple who cannot conceive to hear about all of the births and adoptions taking place in their high school class. It might be one thing to hear about each instance one at a time, but from one reporter, it can exacerbate the pain.
If this were to take place in a conversation, I would advise you to just walk away. But what about when it happens on your computer screen? I think its soo cute that at least 6 of my friends had children in the past month, but if I was trying to get pregnant, I might feel differently. Like when the term “facebook mommies” popped up in someone's status ... eep. But isn’t it great to have a social network you can simply ask a question of? “Need a new camera?
So, will I be walking away from facebook? Will you?
While I have no inclination to do that, how I handle FB has changed. I will share why and how in a post later this week. I must admit, I need a little time to reflect on the ways in which I may be guilty of inflicting emotional harm through the site... and consider what I could or should do differently, if anything at all. I don’t have a simple wrap up for this one. Just to mention that I was so focused on the topic of PRIDE because of the pride parade this past weekend. While I spent the day with my family celebrating my parents' anniversary and my dad's birthday, there is nothing like NYC – so I’ve included a picture from the subway later that day … and a request - please, opine away!
You certainly raise some valid points about inflicting unintentional harm on people with good news. However, at the same time, as sites like FB are a social outlet for people to catch up with each other, and share their good news, we should be joyous about the good going on in our own lives--simply because in this day and age it's so rare when things actually go right!
ReplyDeleteSo long as someone never directly attacks someone else in a public forum, or even alludes enough that it would be obvious who is the target--which is certainly unjustifiable behavior--then the natural sharing of good news that might be intended for a select few, or even one, should be allowable.
We've all had rough times. We've all lost and suffered. We've all wanted what someone else had. To some degree, each of us will always be going through that each day in some way. But if those feelings of personal anguish over one's lot in life, manifests itself in bitterness and jealousy at someone else's good fortune, than the angry has far deeper issues to deal with, and should start pointing fingers at themselves first.
It is inappropriate to ask invasive questions, which can almost definitely illicit a negative reaction. Under no circumstances is it ever polite to ask someone, "When are you getting married?", "When are you going to have a baby?", "Did you find a job yet?", "Why did you two break up?". No! These are horrible, insensitive questions, deserving of all the anger they generate. But at the same time, there should be nothing wrong with saying, "I'm getting married", "I'm having a baby", "I got a new job", etc. We, as civilized human beings, should be able to look up from our own petty struggles once in a while, and be able to celebrate the joys of those around us, who we clain to care about, who are supposed to be our friends. If someone has a problem with demonstrating such graciousness, then perhaps a social outlet is, indeed, not for them.
I do think about this - how people who want to be at a certain place in their life feel when they see others announcing that they already are. A friend this weekend mentioned that she sees all these pictures of people with tons of friends going out all the time, while she's home with her baby, but I told her that a lot of those friends that are going out all the time would like to be where she is, she just got there sooner. The grass is always greener! I do love seeing what everyone's up to, but another friend was like, "man, everytime I get on FB, someone else is pregnant!" It is weird to find out about such significant events in ppl's lives through a social network. Oh well, that's how it is!
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